Love Lost,
and a Second Chance to Find the Truth
The Seeker
The story I am
about to tell you is the truth. This is
a highly personal story, and may be viewed as offensive, by some who read
it. Some perhaps may feel this is a self
serving tale of fiction, or a pathetic cry for attention. To those who condemn me for placing this very
personal story in the public eye, I say be gone from me that your judgment and
hypocrisy may not cloud my eyes to the truth found in the “Light of the
World.” For those who feel, or who have
ever felt, their life is worth nothing, who feel that
the pain of this life is too much to go on, read on and know you are not alone.
To understand
this story you will first need to know a few facts about me, so please bear
with me, as I will make this brief. Do
you ride? If so you can skip the rest of
this paragraph if you wish. If you ride,
your love for the freedom to escape the confines of a cage (an enclosed vehicle)
and experience every sensation of your trip is likely to be one of your
positive reasons for choosing your bike over a cage. You may also share my sense of relief from
your everyday trials and tribulations when you twist the throttle on an open
stretch of highway, and throw caution to the wind and put your fate in the
hands of God. However, you maybe riding for
one of many dark reasons, like live to ride, ride to
die, please read on and I pray I may offer you another view.
For context a few
background facts on me. I grew up in a
stereotypical middleclass WASP (white Anglo-Saxon protestant) home. Like so many families, we appeared the ideal
family, doing a fine job of covering our demons well. My unhappiness appeared in stages, I was very
over weight as a child, who matured into a very angry teenager losing the weight,
but not my low self-esteem.
At the age of 17
I met a young lady who I fell deeply in love with. I could honestly say I was truly happy, or so
I thought. I loved her more than life,
more than anything or anyone, she was my life (see the
scripture at the end of this tale). Now
I can hear ya saying yeah right your first love big
deal, or perhaps the more cynical thought, just another guy thinking with his
little head, rather than his brain. But
my love for her had so totally consumed me that I placed her before God in my
life.
Our relationship
lasted just shy of four years. When she
broke up with me I was left with only my demons to fill the void in my life
where my heart once was, as I had after all put her before God almighty. My descent into darkness progressed very
quickly. I hid my sorrow and self-pity,
and sought relief from my overwhelming pain and loss in drugs,
sex, long work hours, college, and motorcycling (remember the dark reasons to
ride).
My ride back then
was build for one thing, speed. Yes, it
was a metric, sorry my fellow bar and shield riders of American iron (for those
who do not like metrics – you will like the end of this ride). I rode to forget, I rode to get high, worst of all I rode totally wasted.
With each passing
day my excesses increased, as I sank deeper and deeper into darkness. I had always held onto my belief in our
Father and the Salvation of Christ, but I felt I was too far gone for our Lord
to bother with. Heck, why should he I
cursed everything he created in my despondent state, I cursed him for my very
existence. In my darkness sleep was
welcome, but when I allowed myself time to rest sleep was rare as my mind
turned to dark, destructive, and self-destructive thoughts. So I often went several days without
sleep. Working, partying, and working
more, day and night, kept me out of my self imposed torture.
Day after day I
went on like this, drugged, sleep deprived, and ever more depressed and self
loathing. Then one morning I left work
around 6 coming off an all night shift, and working on
about 3 hours sleep in the last 72. I
jumped on the bike seeking some escape.
The warehouse
complex I worked at had multiple level loading docks, with 45 degree banked
transitions between levels. I, in a
desperate quest to escape the reality of my miserable life, opened the throttle
full out and headed for loading docks.
Now I was not seeking to kill myself, but I can not say the prospect of
dieing at that moment was unwelcome to me, as I felt it would at least bring me
peace. The bike vaulted forward and then
bogged, as I had not noted how low my fuel was. Instantly infuriated I held the throttle
wide open as the fuel sloshed back to the intake affording full power. I remember thinking I will jump one level,
land and take off. However, in my
deluded state of mind I had managed to hit the first level at the steepest
point at well over 100 mph under full power.
From this point I can remember every detail like it just happened ten
minutes ago. I remember passing the
second level at a 90 degree angle to the loading dock, and the bike was still
rotating back. I remember thinking this
is going to end real bad, but I am riding it out. Then it happened, there was a tremendous
pulling sensation on the collar of my leather jacket, and the next thing I knew
I am sliding away on the asphalt watching my bike hit the ground totally upside
down, and in slow motion roll forward three complete revolutions, then four
times sideways, and slide to a stop.
The quiet at this
point left me sure I was dead. I was in
absolutely no pain further fueling my belief that I must be dead. But damn, if I was not dead I was in a world
of trouble if the cops found me and my wreaked bike. So, I jumped to my feet, and noticed a guy
running toward me with a panicked look on his face. He managed to blurt out “lay down man I’ll
call an ambulance!” To which I said like
hell you will, I am fine. The guy just
gives me a curious look and states “you’re going to bleed out, look behind
you!” I turned and looked at the payment
I had just slid over, and noticed the hint of red starting about 30 feet from
where I was standing. The blood was
starting to pond around my feet. Seems
both my leather jacket and my helmet were just scraped up, but my jeans,
specifically my right butt cheek, had not faired as well. Still determined not to deal with cops, I
lifted the twisted wreak and limped it out of sight under some trees, and asked
if I could use the warehouse phone to call a friend.
The warehouse guy
(I never did catch his name) was cool and never reported the incident. My friend picked me up with my car (he was
not going to get his all bloody) and took me to the hospital. I recall laying there in the emergency room
with what was left of my pants in my hands, and my butt on display, with a
large red cheeked nurse attending, when an alarm went off and I was left alone on a table in this compromised
situation. I found out later that
another rider had been brought in, and he did not make it. The nurse returned to the room I was in took
a large gauze pad soaked it with alcohol, set aside the anesthesia, looked me
squarely in the eyes, stated I hate motorcycles, and proceeded to scrub my
behind with the gauze pad as I bit right through the ragged jeans in my
hands. After an hour and a half of
tortured removal of gravel a young doctor walked in, asked what happened? I offered a cleansed version of the morning
events. He asked if I felt pain anywhere
other then the obvious, I lied and said no.
He expressed the same opinion of cycles as the nurse and left me to be
wrapped in gauze and released.
So, where is the
scripture lesson in all of these events some 30+ years ago?
Matthew 10, Ver.
32-41
"32":
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before
my Father which is in heaven.
(I confess to you that Christ is my Savior
and my Salvation allowing me a second chance to be forgiven)
"33": But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny
before my Father which is in heaven.
"34": Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to
send peace, but a sword.
"35": For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
(place
no one before God for you shall be forsaken by all earthly relationships at
some point – God’s Love is eternal and unconditional)
"36": And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
"37": He that loveth father or mother more
than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son
or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
"38": And he that taketh not his cross, and
followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
(I continue to seek to be worthy – Praise
God for giving me a second chance)
"39": He that findeth his life shall lose
it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall
find it.
"40": He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth
me receiveth him that sent me.
"41": He that receiveth a prophet in the
name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man
shall receive a righteous man's reward.
(I was clearly unworthy – I should have died – how did my jacket collar get pulled with such force that I landed far
enough behind my bike that I was not crushed?)
Thanks be to God for this
lesson, with love,
“The Seeker”